The Colorado BigFoot Sighting - Analysis and Opinion.
An amazingly insightful BigFoot Field Report from our intrepid pseudo-scientific investigator, Brucillus Hail, a part-time and poorly paid Sasquatch researcher from the YETI not SETI Institute.
(Dateline October 2023, Somewhere in Crazy Colorado)
The first thing that caught my attention was this Bigfoot's hair shining in the sun and flying around in the breeze. It's hair appears clean and possibly brushed or combed. Why does this raise my suspicions about the authenticity of this very compelling sighting? Because it flies in the face of everything we know, or think we know, about bigfoot hygiene. From a vast number of encounters, a typical bigfoot is a filthy revolting beast who has a stench unlike anything else in the animal kingdom. Even a court of law in Texas would accept that the preponderance of evidence shows that a bigfoot stinks to high heaven 24/7!
Authentic images of incredible Sasquatch sighting in Colorado:
I admit that this characteristic of the Sasquatch is at the front of my own mind because of my latest YETI not SETI Institute research project. There are reports of the massive and muscular bigfoot being able to push trees and shrubs aside like toothpicks as it moves through the forest during what are thought to be temper tantrums. But why don't we see these "bigfoot trails" all over the forested landscapes where these often angry beasts are thought to thrive? I have a hypothesis on this matter that might explain the missing evidence of bigfoot trails.
Scientists have shown that when a swarm of harmful flying insects or caterpillars attacks the foliage of certain trees, biochemical signals are sent out into the roots and communicated to other trees via an underground network of fungi. The other trees then ready their biochemical defenses to discourage the herbivorous bugs from causing any serious damage.
I contend that the stench of a Sasquatch is so powerful, that the trees in bigfoot habitats have evolved a similar mechanism to avoid the catastrophe that the rampage of an angry bigfoot can cause. As the leaves detect the Sasquatch Stench, the trees just fall over at the animal's approach, forming a path, and then recover with no sign of damage. My research hasn't been published or even mentioned by the Institute before due to the fact that there is not yet enough data to support this hypothesis*. But the key factor in this science is that a typical bigfoot stinks, and stinks a lot, and I believe that this implies they have no concept of grooming.
As a counter to my personal biases and assumptions, and faced with this compelling video from Colorado, I have to consider alternative ideas. Perhaps the individual bigfoot in the video is a genetic variant or "intelligent divergent". Maybe it found a brush or comb at a human camp and figured out how to use it. This clean and groomed bigfoot may be prancing around out in the open trying to attract other like-minded divergent members of the bigfoot population. Imagine if this bigfoot spoke English. Would it prefer to be known using the pronoun "they"?
There are just too many things we don't know about the Sasquatch. Faced with this new video from Colorado, I believe that this bigfoot is genuine, but, by bigfoot standards, would be considered to be either a wuss, a weirdo, or both.
OK YETI not SETI Institute, I wrote this brilliantly scientific OP/ED piece for your idiotic blog. When will you now pay me the $37.74 you promised me?
Brucillus Hail, Sasquatch Pseudo-Scientific Field Researcher.
*Editor's Note: The astounding research uncovered by Mr. Hail hadn't been published until today, as we are extremely lazy.
Other catastrophic Colorado Sasquatch sightings!
