YETI not SETI Institute to launch product R&D for Bigfoot inspired perfumes.
(Yuba City, California) The prestigious and puerile YETI not SETI Institute announces an exciting new project to develop a line of 'high-end colognes' using extremely scarce Bigfoot pheromones, perspiration, and other unfortunate bodily aromas and fluids.
Erk Holohead, a member of the Institute's bored of directors, said "This is erratic and exciting news! The Institute will conduct an intensive series of rigorous de-formulation chemical analysis tests of Bigfoot pheromones, scents, and other nasties we can get our hands on. Once we figure out the perfume formulas our master plan is to produce synthetic versions of these valuable bodily sasquatch chemicals, put them in expensive fancy frenchie bottles, and sell them to masochists and sadists across the world. Both groups are natural target markets who will undoubtedly appreciate (in their own special ways) such novel 'perfumes'! The new line of exquisite bigfoot aromas will be called 'Les Puants'. Le nom de la marque semble très snob et français, n'est-ce pas?"
Ricard Scheister, another bored of directors member and the Institute's 24/7 legal counsel and bail bondsman, gave the project his flashing red light. "I'm pretty sure this project goes against common sense and would violate some Geneva Convention agreement or another, if we were to get caught. But we won't! There are unfounded rumors that the amazing products we aim to produce would hit unwitting consumers with the equivalent of a ton of mustard gas, but that is just hearsay and since the Institute has zero assets there would be no tangible recourse to plaintiffs in any event. In other words, this project is a natural for the YETI not SETI Institute!"
Ricard continued, "By the way, the Institute has an exciting offer, for a hefty fee, to the parents of high school seniors wanting to attend USC or UCLA. Their generous "donations" in unmarked bills will allow us to list their little darlings as "research assistants" for our project - - which will look impressive on the brats' college applications? Hey, it brought a ton o' cash for the "Varsity Blues" folks. Worked like a charm."
Work is already beginning on the ambitious bigfoot aromas de-formulation project. Brucillus Hail, yet another member of the bored of directors, is already playing with high-school chemistry sets and delving deep into the unknown world of Sasquatch pheromone replication. Brucillus doesn't follow a lab safety-first culture ('that's for wussies!'). Due to repeated exposure to dangerous bigfoot chemical compounds he has started to grow hair on his hands and feet. "What's a few bigfoot hairs on my fingers? Nothing! All for Science!", said Brucillus, "I'm working on the next phase of our ground-breaking research - I wonder which is more attractive for the bigfoot olfactory glands; the smell of stale Aussie beer tainted with bigfoot bodily fluids, or sweaty tourists exposed to sasquatch pheromones?"
Karl Blinng, President-for-Life of the YETI not SETI Institute, was pleased with this new project. "Ding dang it! At last we can make some money while chasing Bigfoot sightings! YETI NOT SETI will accept all donations, bribes, grants. Cash is best. Bolivares if you got 'em. If our scheme works, I can at last make that down-payment on a chartreuse Bentley I've been eyeing so long at the local Yuba City used car lot. So tasteful, elegant, and très à gauche! We can keep this sucker's investment game going for years! Ha ha ha ha!" (Editor's note: Delete Blinng's last two sentences.)
