YETI NOT SETI INSTITUTE ATTEMPTS RESCUE OF SASQUATCH MUSEUM ARTIFACTS! POLICE INTERVENE!

Heroic President-for-Life of the YETI-not-SETI Institute thwarted in attempt to rescue priceless Bigfoot artifacts! Released on Bail.

Dr. Karl Blinng, our brave and intrepid President-for-Life at the prestigious YETI-not-SETI Institute located in the wilderness of Yuba City, California, was briefly detained by Santa Cruz County police on suspicion of attempting to enter without permission the now sadly closed Bigfoot Discovery Museum located in frenzied Felton California. 

"I was framed! Or rather, the window frame wouldn't open.", exclaimed our Fearless Leader upon release from the local jail. "It's all a terrible misunderstanding! I wasn't engaged in robbery so much as saving priceless Sasquatch artifacts collected over decades from being lost to pseudo-science forever! I'm innocent, I tell youse, innocent! Now where is my damn lawyer?!"

Have you seen this man? If so, don't call us!

Ricard Scheister, a member of the Bored of Directors for the YETI-not-SETI Institute and legal counsel and bail bondsman for the organization, was surprised. "I'm surprised! I'm surprised Blinng didn't take any well-known professional tools used by burglars the world over. What a schmutz. Regrettably I'm on retainer, a bad decision made years ago... so I'm forced to defend this crypto-zoological-nut-case in court. It'd be nice if he paid my legal fees for once."

Dr. Blinng casing the joint... ah, reconnoitering the... sneaking around the... oh forget it! 

Dr. Blinng released an Institute press release later in the week: "Hey, it was all a joke, heh heh. Yeah, that's it, a joke! Yeah. While I thought I could 'borrow' a life-size statue of Sasquatch and put it in my living room, I soon understood that if I did my wife would poison my chicken soup. I was just trying to look over the priceless artifacts in the Bigfoot Discovery Museum, and then bid on them when they come up for auction at Billy Bob's auction warehouse, or on A-bay, whatever that is? I have a few credit cards which can score me an ancient Sasquatch coprolite or two!"

A Sasquatch was spotted at the Bigfoot Discovery Museum! Authorities are quiet on the matter. 

Erk Holohead, a member of the Bored of Directors and Spin & Propaganda Minister, was amazed. "I'm amazed! Firstly, I'm amazed Blinng didn't pull off the heist, er 'visit'. He was obsessed with acquiring those precious artifacts without paying for them? Secondly, an authentic Sasquatch was photographed crossing the Museum grounds soon after Blinng's arrest, ahhh, misunderstanding by local brave-officers-of-the-law... now can we our director's bail bond reduced, pretty please? Blinng may be eccentric but he poses no harm to anyone - - except for irritating small yappy dogs which invariably lunge for the ankles... with those nasty beasts he is ferocious."

Alice in Wonderland Shocker! Research Surprise: The Mad Hatter and Sasquatch.

 The Mad Hatter was a Bigfoot!

A Ring of Conspiracy: Alice, the March Hare, the Dormouse, the Mad Hatter. 

Research at the YETI not SETI Institute, including extensive visits to authoritative Crypto-podcasts and sensationalist websites, has uncovered a shocking possibility... the Mad Hatter was in fact a Bigfoot. So was Lewis Carroll. 

Alice's Adventures in Wonderland could only have been written by an unfortunate writer under the influence of LSD (not yet invented in 1865) or by an excessively demented Sasquatch high on Absinthe. A close look at the Mad Hatter in the famous original illustration of the Tea Party indicates facial features commonly found in Gigantopithecus Revoltus. In fact, the Hatter could not have been "Mad" so much as "Simian", which would explain much of his behavior and the eventual failure of his hat emporium business. Curiously, Alice appears to be the actual ring-leader of the group, leading one to speculate that perhaps the entire book was based upon true if fictional events. 

Institute Bored of Director Erk Holohed, who (mis)managed the research team in this incredible effort, was optimistic. "I'm optimistic! We're trying to kick-start a video series on this amazing find, entitled "Alice, Bigfoot, and Ancient Aliens".... we're in negotiations with major streaming and cable services now. I wish they would return my calls. This could go bonkers! Then we can all retire in style and move to a dodgy tax-haven somewhere which has no extradition treaty with the USA."

New Research Project to develop Perfumes based upon Sasquatch Aromas Announced.

YETI not SETI Institute to launch product R&D for Bigfoot inspired perfumes.

(Yuba City, California) The prestigious and puerile YETI not SETI Institute announces an exciting new project to develop a line of 'high-end colognes' using extremely scarce Bigfoot pheromones, perspiration, and other unfortunate bodily aromas and fluids. 

Erk Holohead, a member of the Institute's bored of directors, said "This is erratic and exciting news! The Institute will conduct an intensive series of rigorous de-formulation chemical analysis tests of Bigfoot pheromones, scents, and other nasties we can get our hands on. Once we figure out the perfume formulas our master plan is to produce synthetic versions of these valuable bodily sasquatch chemicals, put them in expensive fancy frenchie bottles, and sell them to masochists and sadists across the world. Both groups are natural target markets who will undoubtedly appreciate (in their own special ways) such novel 'perfumes'! The new line of exquisite bigfoot aromas will be called 'Les Puants'. Le nom de la marque semble très snob et français, n'est-ce pas?"

Ricard Scheister, another bored of directors member and the Institute's 24/7 legal counsel and bail bondsman, gave the project his flashing red light. "I'm pretty sure this project goes against common sense and would violate some Geneva Convention agreement or another, if we were to get caught. But we won't! There are unfounded rumors that the amazing products we aim to produce would hit unwitting consumers with the equivalent of a ton of mustard gas, but that is just hearsay and since the Institute has zero assets there would be no tangible recourse to plaintiffs in any event. In other words, this project is a natural for the YETI not SETI Institute!" 

Ricard continued, "By the way, the Institute has an exciting offer, for a hefty fee, to the parents of high school seniors wanting to attend USC or UCLA. Their generous "donations" in unmarked bills will allow us to list their little darlings as "research assistants" for our project - - which will look impressive on the brats' college applications?  Hey, it brought a ton o' cash for the "Varsity Blues" folks.  Worked like a charm."

Work is already beginning on the ambitious bigfoot aromas de-formulation project. Brucillus Hail, yet another member of the bored of directors, is already playing with high-school chemistry sets and delving deep into the unknown world of Sasquatch pheromone replication. Brucillus doesn't follow a lab safety-first culture ('that's for wussies!'). Due to repeated exposure to dangerous bigfoot chemical compounds he has started to grow hair on his hands and feet. "What's a few bigfoot hairs on my fingers? Nothing! All for Science!", said Brucillus, "I'm working on the next phase of our ground-breaking research - I wonder which is more attractive for the bigfoot olfactory glands; the smell of stale Aussie beer tainted with bigfoot bodily fluids, or sweaty tourists exposed to sasquatch pheromones?"

Karl Blinng, President-for-Life of the YETI not SETI Institute, was pleased with this new project. "Ding dang it! At last we can make some money while chasing Bigfoot sightings! YETI NOT SETI will accept all donations, bribes, grants. Cash is best. Bolivares if you got 'em. If our scheme works, I can at last make that down-payment on a chartreuse Bentley I've been eyeing so long at the local Yuba City used car lot. So tasteful, elegant, and très à gauche! We can keep this sucker's investment game going for years! Ha ha ha ha!" (Editor's note: Delete Blinng's last two sentences.)

YETI not SETI Institute Responds to Colorado bigfoot video.

The Colorado BigFoot Sighting - Analysis and Opinion. 

An amazingly insightful BigFoot Field Report from our intrepid pseudo-scientific investigator, Brucillus Hail, a part-time and poorly paid Sasquatch researcher from the YETI not SETI Institute. 

(Dateline October 2023, Somewhere in Crazy Colorado) 

The first thing that caught my attention was this Bigfoot's hair shining in the sun and flying around in the breeze. It's hair appears clean and possibly brushed or combed. Why does this raise my suspicions about the authenticity of this very compelling sighting?  Because it flies in the face of everything we know, or think we know, about bigfoot hygiene.  From a vast number of encounters, a typical bigfoot is a filthy revolting beast who has a stench unlike anything else in the animal kingdom.  Even a court of law in Texas would accept that the preponderance of evidence shows that a bigfoot stinks to high heaven 24/7!

Authentic images of incredible Sasquatch sighting in Colorado:

https://nypost.com/2023/10/11/bigfoot-spotted-in-colorado-in-broad-daylight-see-the-video/

I admit that this characteristic of the Sasquatch is at the front of my own mind because of my latest YETI not SETI Institute research project.  There are reports of the massive and muscular bigfoot being able to push trees and shrubs aside like toothpicks as it moves through the forest during what are thought to be temper tantrums.  But why don't we see these "bigfoot trails" all over the forested landscapes where these often angry beasts are thought to thrive?  I have a hypothesis on this matter that might explain the missing evidence of bigfoot trails.

Scientists have shown that when a swarm of harmful flying insects or caterpillars attacks the foliage of certain trees, biochemical signals are sent out into the roots and communicated to other trees via an underground network of fungi.  The other trees then ready their biochemical defenses to discourage the herbivorous bugs from causing any serious damage.

I contend that the stench of a Sasquatch is so powerful, that the trees in bigfoot habitats have evolved a similar mechanism to avoid the catastrophe that the rampage of an angry bigfoot can cause. As the leaves detect the Sasquatch Stench, the trees just fall over at the animal's approach, forming a path, and then recover with no sign of damage.  My research hasn't been published or even mentioned by the Institute before due to the fact that there is not yet enough data to support this hypothesis*.  But the key factor in this science is that a typical bigfoot stinks, and stinks a lot, and I believe that this implies they have no concept of grooming.

As a counter to my personal biases and assumptions, and faced with this compelling video from Colorado, I have to consider alternative ideas. Perhaps the individual bigfoot in the video is a genetic variant or "intelligent divergent".  Maybe it found a brush or comb at a human camp and figured out how to use it.  This clean and groomed bigfoot may be prancing around out in the open trying to attract other like-minded divergent members of the bigfoot population.  Imagine if this bigfoot spoke English.  Would it prefer to be known using the pronoun "they"?

There are just too many things we don't know about the Sasquatch.  Faced with this new video from Colorado, I believe that this bigfoot is genuine, but, by bigfoot standards, would be considered to be either a wuss, a weirdo, or both.

OK YETI not SETI Institute, I wrote this brilliantly scientific OP/ED piece for your idiotic blog. When will you now pay me the $37.74 you promised me?

Brucillus Hail, Sasquatch Pseudo-Scientific Field Researcher. 

*Editor's Note: The astounding research uncovered by Mr. Hail hadn't been published until today, as we are extremely lazy. 

Other catastrophic Colorado Sasquatch sightings!

Bigfoot Sighting in Rocky Mountains!

Mr. Bill Bashed by Bigfoots!

YETI NOT SETI INSTITUTE Announces new TOP SECRET Corporate Anthem!

New Patriotic Anthem Institutionalized for the YETI NOT SETI Institute! Comrades Rejoice!

In an extremely rare spark of musical inspiration and genius, one of our Bored of Directors has decided that what a great Institute of serious scientific studies requires is a great patriotic anthem to inspire the poorly paid interns and temporary help the Institute hires when needed, mostly to clean up various physical and legal messes. 

Ricard Scheister, Esq, one of the founding members of the prestigious Institute, came up with the novel idea when voices started talking to him, ordering him to write the remarkable anthem. "It's not so much the amount of time I have or don't have on my idle hands, it's about the voices in my head. Those voices. Those incessant, horrible voices . . . .  must . . . resist . . . .". After a brief struggle the voices took over his brain, and his cerebral cortex duly spit out the official anthem. This work of musical art is an amazing example of perspiration inspiration (?).

Dr. Karl Blinng, President-for-Life of the YETI NOT SETI Institute, was thrilled. "I wish I'd thought of it first, darn it! That's OK, I'll get that Scheister later for this, somehow, somewhere. Just you wait!"

Erk Holohead, another founding member of the Institute, commented "Frankly this anthem is a stroke... of genius, I mean. It must be Institutionalized, along with its composer."

The Anthem is Top Secret, and only to be used by the Bored of Directors during secret meetings involving beer, pizza, and unspeakably secret cult rituals. 

Yeti Not Seti Institute

Official Document: Institutionalized Corporate Anthem

October 3, 2023

 DEEP IN THE HEART OF BIGFOOT

By Ricard Scheister, Esq.

 (New and improved)

(Sung to the tune of “Deep in the Heart of Texas”)

(Musical accompaniment by orchestral Kazoos and Harmonicas.)

  

The stars at night

Can cause a fright (clap clap clap clap)

When they shine down on Bigfoot.

That nasty brute

Is so hirsute. (clap clap clap clap)

Please stay upwind from Bigfoot

 

He’s big and hairy

And kind of scary. (clap clap clap)

But what is worst ‘bout Bigfoot

Is that awful smell

That stinks like hell (clap clap clap clap)

That emanates from Bigfoot.

 

Some call him Yeti,

Don’t call him SETI. (clap clap clap)

That is no name for Bigfoot.

Sasquatch will do,

And Crypto, too. (clap clap clap clap)

Those names are fine with Bigfoot.

 

Bliing, Holohead

and Scheisster said (clap clap clap clap)

That they’re researching Bigfoot.

But here’s a flash

It’s really cash (clap clap clap clap)

They’re trying to scam through Bigfoot.

 

Search far and near,

Search there and here (clap clap clap clap)

Search ev’ry ‘burb and boonie.

But his behind

No one can find (clap clap clap clap),

Not even Divot Looney.

 

We’ve searched all ‘round,

He can’t be found. (clap clap clap clap)

His hiding talent’s super.

But we’ve found out

The secret’s out (clap clap clap clap)

Bigfoot is D.B. Cooper!

 

We’ve never heard

a single word (clap clap clap clap)

that has been said by Bigfoot.

We know it blows, That’s how it goes

But ‘Cause noone knows (clap clap clap clap)

What’s in the heart of Bigfoot!

 

Institution Official Guidance:

The Institution’s Anthem is to be sung at the opening and closing of every official bored of directors meeting. Cheap pizza and beer are required during the ceremonies. The Anthem can be sung in languages other than English, accept under no circumstances in Esperanto.

Institute Announces New BORED of DIRECTOR - Looney Tunes

New Bored of Director Admitted. Bribery Sufficient to Proceed.  

Divot Looney has become the 5th acting Bored of Director at the prestigious YETI NOT SETI Institute. A photo will be provided once his recent plastic surgery (to evade several enthusiastic bill collectors) is healed and a full beard is in place. 

Erk Holohead confirms that since Divot's second check to the Institute for membership didn't bounce, the vote was 4-0 to admit him. "Hey, money talks. To be honest, we all thought he was a bit, well, looney. But he seemed to get along well with the Bored and he provides free beer and pizza. He may have the skills we always need to hood-wink, er, convince large donors of our just and noble research efforts. 

Government funded crypto research funds diverted invested to boost the morale of the Institute employees are always welcome. Essentially, Dr. Blinng's wine cellar at the Institute is running low on Sparkling Wine and Extra Spicy Fritos.... he needs replenishment. All for the good of Science and Cryptozoological Research." 

Alleged Photo of Divot Looney, a true Sasquatch Believer!

To see the entire rogue's gallery of Bored of Director members, visit YETI Not SETI Institute releases doctored photographs of key Bored Board of Director Members.

Bigfoot Research at the YETI NOT SETI INSTITUTE

Our Intrepid YETI NOT SETI INSTITUTE Members Work Day and Night Researching Sasquatch, Cryptozoology, and Cryptocurrencies. 

The staff of the Institute work day and night investigating reports of Sasquatch sightings across the world. The team will respond in a moment's notice eagerly visiting the exotic and remote locations of recent Bigfoot reports. The Institute does have a strict travel policy in place. Travel is allowed as long as there is indoor plumbing, with close proximity to a 4-Star resort with a fully stocked bar. These conditions are required for the team to conduct serious research into each hairy incident. 

Erk Holohead, one of the Institute's Bored of Directors, is often engaged in intense research of Bigfoot Sightings. Along with the other members, Erk also investigates new and novel ways to solicit badly needed contributions in order to keep the good work of the Institute going - - without incurring the unwanted attention of the SEC or FBI. 

While the Institute hasn't actually yet captured a live Bigfoot, nor retrieved a body, nor acquired a DNA sample, we are laser focused on finding an elusive Bigfoot - dead or alive. Alive is better, as we foresee the potential for millions in royalties once the beast hits the talk-show circuit. 

The YETI NOT SETI Institute has a mission of seeking proof that Sasquatch creatures exist and are living next door to you. Our research and exploration efforts have no limits as long as the Institute is amply funded by not-widows and not-orphans... pesky SEC compliance, darn it! To see the entire gang, er bored of directors, please visit: YETI Not SETI Institute releases doctored photographs of key Bored Board of Director Members.